Identity - discovering myself

If you’ve looked at my about page, you may have noticed that I’m a stay at home mum (or mom if you’re an American), otherwise known as a housewife. I’m a qualified medical doctor with about 11 years of working experience. We moved to a new city and I was so worried about getting a new job in a government hospital because it is so competitive. I wanted somewhere where I could continue my postgraduate training in Obstetrics and Gynaecology (O&G /Ob-Gyn).

While I was busy worrying myself to death, an idea started to take shape in my mind. It’s so easy to get into a rut. Wake up, get the kids to school, dash to work, dash back to school, go home ….and the cycle continues. When we moved I actually had a chance to take a look at my life.

My husband’s work was very demanding with odd hours and he used to come home late. I had to ask myself, with hubby working so much could I really afford to spend so much time away from home and my children? Was I doing the best thing as the primary caregiver and supervisor of my children to continue running from pillar to post trying to juggle postgraduate training and my family responsibilities? What was best for my family and was I doing that? O&G is one of the most strenuos medical disciplines. If I was away as well as my husband who would take care of my precious kids? A nanny, housemaid, servant? After one of my children was accidentally doused with hot water by my maid while I was at work, that didn’t sound like a great idea to me.

I battled with myself for months. My life had revolved around medicine for almost 2 decades. It was a major part of my identity. Could I afford to give that up? Would I feel complete without it? Wouldn’t I be wasting all my years of medical training?
I toyed with the idea of changing my discipline to work in a field of medicine that was less tedious and time consuming? Obviously I was finding it hard to let go. Whenever I met my collegues, naturally I was asked where I worked. After telling them I wasn’t working I always felt compelled to explain that I wanted to take care of my family and residency in O&G wasn’t letting me do that.

My problem is that I’m a bit of a perfectionist (I didn’t actually realize it until one of my closest friends told me that). If I do something I want to do it well. I remember when I was working. I would pray that there would be no patients to operate on on theatre days so that I would be able to get to the children’s school on time. If patients turned up I would pray for surgery to be over so I could rush to school. I’d be praying there’d be no emergencies so I could get to school. On clinic days I’d be seeing the patients at lightening speed so that…….. You get the idea!

So who am I? Do I have an identity apart from my profession? Can I be complete if I’m not doing what I’ve been training for so many years to do? I still feel a bit strange after more than a year, but I’m getting over it. When people ask me what I do I simply tell them I’m a doctor but I’ve decided to be a housewife for a while. No long explanations trying to justify my actions because I don’t owe that to anyone.

I’m not under any illusions that every woman can or would even want to do what I’m doing. Some couples can’t really afford to have only one partner working and some women are too attached to their careers or have other reasons for working in spite of the challenges of combining work and family life. I’ve had to make some sacrifices. I don’t have as much money as I used to. But then I don’t have to spend as much money on work clothes etc.

As with many things in life, time will tell if I’ve made the right decision